The discomfort of trust & surrendering

I’ve sat with pen poised for days. Waiting. Waiting for the right time. Waiting for the right thing to say. To open with. I know I have messages from spirit to share. But then I procrastinate. I look around my room purpose built for me to work from. A space where I can do my practices of witchcraft, where I hold my readings, & until recently reiki. A space that by now I was hoping that more would have come from it. I look around. I see a candle holder that needs cleaning of old wax to make way for when next I burn a new candle for a new client reading. I distract myself with the neighbours next door blaming them for being too loud, when they’re just casually talking. I find every reason not to sit with the discomfort that what I’m being asked to do is the very thing I am fighting against.

Back a couple of years ago my partner & I went to Tasmania to visit an elderly relative who I am particularly close to. A trip I’ve tried to make at least a couple of times a year. On this particular trip, one day the three of us were going for a drive through a region in the mid North West following winding roads through thick temperate rainforest where giant ‘man-ferns’ (tree ferns to the rest of Australia) lined the road side & towering ancient trees created long tunnels of dappled light. The road weaved & winded its way through these majestic forests. Every time I’m in these places, having also lived in Tassie on the West Coast where the forests were even more ancient & majestic, I feel like I’ve connected back to somewhere deeper that I can’t explain. As I sat in the backseat of the hire car with my elder relative & my partner in the front I wound down my window. Early January so the air was equally warm the time of year & cool from being deep in this forest area. I breathed deeply & then the voices of not my guides but something wiser, older spoke to me. ‘Surrender’. Nothing more was said at this stage but I paid attention. So I just sat back in my seat & watched as the outside forests passed by. For the first time in a very long time I felt absolutely & completely present. Nothing else mattered. I didn’t bring up old past things or memories nor did I worry or think about what was yet to come. I was fully & completely present. Then they spoke again; ‘This. This is what we ask of you. Not just for now but for the future, & when you find yourself away from this point then bring yourself back to being present. We cannot help you or communicate with you when you are not present’.

This Substack is reader-supported. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber.

For 12 months I kept this as my mantra - ‘be present’. When I found myself getting far too ahead of myself I bought myself back. When I got lost in my own memory & obsessing over things that were no longer able to be changed I bought myself back.

I had already been practicing reiki for several years & was unsuccessfully attempting to do a sort of meditation using the precepts. On our return home I returned back to the reiki precept meditation I’d created. I let go of ‘getting it right’ & beating myself up because I got them out of order or obsessed over the phrasing (the traditional precepts don’t fit modern learnings around how we use affirmation language). I was missing the point. I was trying to be present, not being present. I was too caught up in my own past of trying not to be seen as dumb or be caught out by someone because I wasn’t doing it right.

After around 12 months in a journaling practice, something I had returned to after many years away from it, in mid-flow of stream of consciousness writing the words suddenly changed. The tone changed. Then I heard these voices I’d heard that day in the backseat of the car; ‘trust’. So I did, I trusted & I stayed out of the way as words flowed for a brief spell. Suddenly it stopped. No more words. I worried - had I done something wrong? Had I misinterpreted what was flowing from my hand to pen to paper? Again I was letting my old fear of failure get in the way. ‘Trust’ they said again. I knew to put down my pen & my journal & I walked out to my garden & pottered around tending plants & pulling up odd weeds.

My new mantra became ‘surrender & trust’. It came up often in sessions in readings for others, sometimes me offering my own experience as example but mostly as the same words of wisdom these people’s guides where my own was giving me. I continued journaling without consciously thinking ‘oh I’ll work on this writing that came through that day’. Whenever I felt myself not surrendering or trusting, when things felt tight, restrictive & scarce in other parts of my life I took a deep breath & let it go. I trusted & surrendered.

Over my life to that point too I’d been aware of people who channeled entities & spirit. Darryl Anka with Bashar, Esther Hicks & Abraham, Sheila Gillette & Theo, & of course Edgar Cayce. There was & still is something about all of these people & others that I’ve felt a connection with where I’ve known that’s within me. Something within me knew these voices beyond my own daily conversations with my guides was the same as what all these & other people have experienced.

One day I decided to ask them questions as I was doing my own journaling. It was a question personal to me not so much a collective question & they answered. I knew it was them because the used the phrase ‘dear one’. My own guides have never called me this, our relationship goes back to my childhood & our communication has grown like that of old friends, not teacher/student in the spiritual realm. I asked more questions - this time collective questions around things like the future of AI, American politics, the end of the world as we know it (of course I was going to jump in the deep end!). All of them answered, all of them full of the deepest compassion & love I have never experienced before. No blame, no singling out of individuals but of collective energy that dictates how humanity navigates this world.

I asked them once if I should share this writing - ‘Yes, there will be several ways to ‘show up’ as you say. One of these is your writing. When you feel safe enough you will also speak these words with your voice. Trust it all.’

It was also around this time that I was chatting with someone, who is also ‘spiritual’, around the idea of channeling & they said that they felt channelers were too afraid of their own voice so hid behind these characters they created. My old wounds of not being good enough, smart enough, reared its ugly head. I wondered if that was true? My own guides (not the beings/spirit that I had just started working with) said this was both true & untrue. That yes there are those who channel in a way that is really their own guides & intuition that they’re sharing this information with & therefore don’t feel confident or comfortable to acknowledge that they are part of that divine union of voices so they set themselves as separate from it for fear of ridicule & being ostracised.

Then there are those that are connecting to something beyond this divine union of their own spirit team. Where they are being asked to be the voice of these messengers. To be a messenger for the messengers. These messengers may be from the Angelic realm, some are from other galactic areas of the universe, some of something else. My guides explained that this is who I am channeling - higher beings that are not Angelic ‘but of that realm’.

I ask lots of questions around channeling both of my guides & the higher beings (still yet to determine their preferred name). For a while I also started watching how other channelers worked & opened their sessions until I was asked not to. I am naturally inquisitive (1/4 human design here) but I’ve had to learn to trust & not follow accounts, watch their videos or read their works of these more well known channelers. This is a solitary practice of allowing myself to be open & to receiving - the ol’ trust & surrender process.

I’m going to finish this piece with an excerpt from one of these conversations as a message for the collective. I have learnt to write in Q&A form to make the process a little easier for me & for anyone who ends up reading any of these transcripts. The responses are written exactly as they are spoken to me, hence there may be abrupt ends, odd grammar. I have chosen not to alter the higher beings words in any capacity - what you are reading is exactly as I noted in my notebook where I write these conversations.

Q. When the world is feeling on the brink of collapse & there’s surges in scarcity, fear & challenges, as fear mongering escalates what do we do?

A. Come back to us Dear One. Stay calm. Your own inner knowing is your compass. Let yourself be guided by your own intuition. It is your compass. Your way to knowing.

Q. Will we be ok?

A. Yes. We will not let this destroy you. This is part of the collapse before the construction new. This to happen. There cannot be rebirth without death. If you reject dark then you cannot see the light. Balance is key. Look to each other. This is key.

David 💕